I take the precaution of a good coat and a short friend'
by Zephyr-taicho
Summary: John continuously drones on that I need to find a way to alleviate my boredom. This... seems to be a short term way of doing so as well as revealing the more 'gory' aspects of John's wedding. Any of you who wish to know more, please do help yourselves. I'd be delighted. Who knows, I might even surpass the likes on John's infuriating blog.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay. So...I wrote this and submitted it for my English coursework and have had to wait a while before uploading it here :)**

 **This is basically an exploration of Sherlock's character (BBC version) from the mind of Sherlock himself. This took me absolutely ages to get right but I really hope that I managed to successfully capture the character. It really was so much fun to write and I hope that others enjoy reading it.**

 **It is set just before John's wedding and is in the form of a monologue. I will be uploading separate sections of it each week, so enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't, and probably never will, own BBC's Sherlock or any of its affiliations ...**

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People are idiots. John especially so. They always assume that being bored is an impossibility, especially for a sociopath like me. It's not: I'm bored and have been thus for the exact time of 27 hours and 12 minutes.

No matter, small issues of course. 'The wedding was nice, apparently.' At least that's what everyone is saying, using that deliciously and exasperatingly normal word, 'nice'. I daresay, the 'nicest' part was the murder; everyone beforehand was dull and then suddenly became suspects. In a manner of speaking they became interesting, full of life.

I digress. John was angry before the wedding. I was merely deducing that the suit he had bought was cheap, selected last minute from a small discount store in the centre of London, possibly down a back alley, judging by the replaced price tag; the brown paper bag and the faint smell of spilt alcohol. I then went on to suggest that he was 'feeling' (an action I myself am still not fully acquainted with) reluctant about committing himself to the wedding and Mary. Aforementioned, I am unsure what I said but he punched me, not intended to permanently damage, due to the strength behind the blow and the way he angled his fist 45 degrees before contact, but: I fell.

I was shocked to say the least, however his outburst following was expected, especially after the preceding lash outwards, a warning if you will, of the storm to come. 'Sherlock!' he yelled. At which point I answered, 'yes'. I have been told (repeatedly) it is polite to answer a person saying your name. Obviously it doesn't just have to be that single, simple, friendly vocalisation. However, apparently you shouldn't answer when people scream your name (it just makes things worse).

'Don't say 'yes' all innocent, Sherlock! You know exactly what the issue is!' I honestly didn't. (He disagreed).

'You know exactly what you're doing! Stop persisting in your attempts to make me stop the marriage with Mary over your petty jealousy. It's happening Sherlock! Whether you like it or not!' He immediately stormed out of the room. Now, I'm not an idiot (obviously). I can recognise emotions and John was, quite clearly (if I can chance the expression), 'pissed!'

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 ** _If you enjoyed...please review, if you didn't...review anyways._**

 ** _All feedback is helpful._**

 ** _thanks!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**I said a week. its been at least a month...**

 **I feel terrible.**

 **Enjoy the second part!**

 **Dislcaimer: You read chapter 1 right?**

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I will not divulge any further information on John's 'stag night'. The experiment was a failure, and a repeat will be required to gather the correct data.

I have been looking at pictures of the wedding. John's laptop of course. His password is still undeniably easy to decipher. (Mary Watson, if anyone's particularly interested. No spaces. Capitals). Turns out the infected suit he'd brought into the flat wasn't actually the planned wedding attire of the dear doctor. No, I was dragged into Westfield Shopping centre (for a full day). Being best man, I was 'expected' to 'behave', according to the engaged couple's consistent tirades. Oh dear God. We went into twelve shops, one of which was owned by a minor criminal dealer in drugs (Cocaine and Heroin to be exact). Thankfully we didn't purchase our attire there and instead stopped our (in my words) regrettable outing next door, where I was forced into an incredibly ordinary suit that I remain adamant could have been taken from my very own wardrobe at home. (The only difference being the ridiculous, impracticable diamond shaped tie, sickening beige waistcoat and grey top hat).

I must say, I could not have been happier when John announced that we were finished this torturously boring activity and, upon returning to 221B, I hate to admit that I almost instantaneously discarded my outdoor clothes (in my room. I'm a high functioning sociopath not an insult-to-society nudist) and dressed in my pyjamas and blue dressing gown before resuming my usual position in my armchair by the fire, with my violin (John had requested I play at the wedding and, though incredibly reluctant, I acquiesced to his request).

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 **Please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here is the next update. enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: read chapter 1**

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Going to the station. Lestrades informed me of a case. It's been about three months since the last one and that was merely a ridiculously smart city pigeon that was positive certain pieces of jewellery would look better on it than members of the public. (I can agree with that infernal creature now that I think about it).

The day before the wedding, I was required, being best man and all, to write a speech. It's not my wedding. I can't comprehend why every best man is to be put through the torture of writing a speech. According to Mrs Hudson, 'You need to use compliments, Sherlock. Congratulate John and Mary on their wedding. Include funny stories about John. Anything.' She sounded a bit desperate. Poor Mrs Hudson, if only John knew the stress he was putting her through. Firstly, the only compliment worthy of John would be that he makes me look even more intelligent when accompanying me and secondly, the only humorous anecdote about us would possibly be the time we got handcuffed to that car on the 'scarlet web' case (I didn't name it. John's attempt at humour, he shouldn't try). I attempted to ask Lestrade for his assistance in this gargantuan task. However he seemed reluctant in the assisting process, saying I "had succeeded single-handedly in letting a group of convicted criminals run free'. It's most certainly not my fault he misunderstood my text message. All I had written was 'HELP. BAKER ST. NOW. HELP ME. PLEASE.'

Talking to John later on, I said he should ensure to only get married once; I don't think I could handle writing another speech or go suit shopping again. His response was marginally similar to the incident two days ago, albeit without the punch.

'For God's sake Sherlock! Not everything revolves around you!' Well of course it doesn't, scientifically and metaphorically, only 0.0000000000001% of the world 'revolves' around me.

He then continued, 'Of course I'm only getting married once. Why wouldn't I?' I opened my mouth to reply but shockingly, and completely impolitely, he held up his hand to silence me, (he asked) 'Figure of speech Sherlock. Leave it. The wedding's tomorrow and I'd prefer not to murder you before then.'

John's attempts at human interaction still confuses me.

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 **Please review**


	4. Chapter 4

**So sorry for the extremely late update!**

 **Disclaimer: Check previous chapters.**

 **Enjoy!**

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During the wedding, I must admit I was bored. How couldn't I be? The only one who seemed to be vaguely interested was the small child running up and down the aisle. Though it wasn't the ceremony causing the child to run (unless they were looking for an escape route, in which case I would've ended up joining if nothing happened shortly). Luckily, it was a rather short event but then we were ushered into the church hall, garishly decorated with practically anything and everything (in white. Such a dull colour). I admit I was praying for something to happen. I'll not bore with the details but the upside was, I got to enjoy another case. It was like Cluedo (I'm adamant the victim was the criminal in the game I was subjected too. That is all I have to say on the matter) everyone was in lockdown, it was terribly exciting. I could tell John was enjoying it. I'll miss this, I was thinking, John and I have been working together for exactly three years and twenty-five days and it's going to be discarded once this wedding is over. My only friend who isn't an outright archenemy (Mycroft doesn't count). A true friend, and this wedding would ruin all. I kept on thinking throughout my violin solo, after this day that this is it, I'll go back to being the secluded sociopath and freak (according to Donovan and Anderson. Why did John even invite Anderson to the wedding, he's an _idiot_ ).

Violin solo, negative thoughts, I sound like I could be coming from the band aboard the Titanic. Congratulations, Sherlock (sarcasm. John must be influencing me, interesting).

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 **Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**The final part! this is slightly tedious but enjoy.**

 **Please review! (they honestly help :) )**

 **Disclaimer: check chapter 1.**

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I am still unsure on how to make tea. Mrs Hudson's the expert and when she's not available, John's capable of filling in, still I said I would do it. For the new happy couple. I guess, no I admit (I'm never going to hear the end of this). I'm an idiot. I had no idea that Mary would be moving in with John, here at 221B. At least for a little while. I know the definition of Sociopath is: a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behaviour. I'm happy to describe myself as thus, just as others are, however, I feel (yes I William Sherlock Scott Holmes feel I will not be a sociopath until John and now Mary are no longer in my life). I am happy.

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 **Sorry about the length, as this was originally a monologue, i merely split up the sections within it, this just so happened to be the conclusion.**

 **Hope you enjoyed!**


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